so then again I find myself here. and I am still alive and kicking, even if I tend to break my heart and kill my soul I dare say I also tend to mend my heart and revive my soul.

I've quit smoking too. sometimes it's hard but mostly I don't even think of it. well, to be honest it's like I never smoked at all and that my memories of smoking are just parts of a weird far away dream.

life is still as kafkaesque as always and I find myself realising this all the time. remembering this all the time. when was the last time I spent so much time thinking -evaluating- myself? I don't remember. could be a christmas crisis, or just one of the regular crisis or why not, just my imagination. for all I care, everythings a bit brighter, a little less lonely, more realistic than it seemed to me a few seconds ago, hours ago and even yesterday.

I haven't stopped thinking of him, I tend to want to cry and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of how absurd this dream is. well I know this dream by heart. I've read this book before. and nothing will keep me from doing it again, over and over and over.
maybe it will be a few seconds more, hours more and days. but I will survive this too. after all, it's just love. just the regular story.

is this the way to the white lodge? I know this dream. I know this dream by heart.